What kind of relationship with g-d would make the most sense in my life?

This is the first of the questions on the list that I posted here: https://caydendov.wixsite.com/mysite/post/some-questions-i-asked-myself-before-choosing-to-become-jewish, and the first that I'll be writing about and answering here. This is one of the ones that's taken the most introspection and thought for me personally. I still don't have a solid answer to the question, but during my conversion I decided on a few things based on my experiences growing up.

1) It has to feel reciprocal

Growing up in christianity meant that my relationship with g-d was mostly one sided. Unquestionable loyalty and devotion was expected from me, but I was constantly told that I needed to do things "right" and "well enough" for g-d to even consider answering my prayers or hear me. Anything imaginable that would go wrong in my life was a problem of faith. When I was struggling with severe mental illness at a formative age when I lacked the coping skills or experience to deal with it, my community told me that it was a problem with my faith. My parents told me that if I prayed more, repented, and genuinely asked g-d to heal me that g-d would, if my faith was strong enough. When I realized that I was queer, my parents told me that it was a punishment from g-d for being unfaithful and sinful, and that I just needed to pray harder to rid myself of those feelings. And when you're told that if you just pray harder, if you just go to church more, if you just do this and that your prayers will be answered, there's an awful lot of praying out of desperation instead of love. I felt like I had been abandoned for not being good enough.

I can't count the number of times as a kid and teenager that I prayed for hours while crying myself to sleep. And every morning, when my prayers went ignored yet again, I would wake up angry at g-d, which just made me feel even more shameful and sinful and I prayed twice as hard the next time, worried that my anger at g-d was the reason that g-d was ignoring me in the first place. The idea of therapy or medical help was never something my parents considered for me, even when I asked. I felt confused that g-d would give us the ability to use psychology and therapy and medicine to help each other but we were expected to just pray instead of using it. But I prayed anyway, if you can even call it that. It always felt more like desperate, inconsolable pleading than talking to g-d for me.

Now that I'm Jewish, prayer feels joyful and love filled. I no longer pray out of a desperation, I pray to give thanks. I thank g-d for giving us therapy. I thank g-d for giving me coping mechanisms and a strong support network. Even when I really feel stuck or desperate, I no longer pray out of desperation. I don't ask g-d to solve my problem overnight without me having to put in any of the effort or do any of the work. I ask for guidance, for help seeing what the next steps are. Instead of asking for miracles, I ask for perspective. If g-d can see everything, g-d can certainly see what I'm missing and guide me in the right direction. How would we ever gain wisdom, insight, and the abilities to self govern and problem solve if g-d fixed everything to ever go wrong in our lives and the world? If we are meant to be partners to g-d in ruling over the earth, how could we ever do that without the wisdom and insight that challenges give us?

The structure of jewish prayer and the fact that every prayer is being said by jews all over the world also make it feel far more meaningful to me, especially as Yom Kippur approaches and g-d is closer to us than any other time of the year. Prayer is not my quiet childhood voice shaking in the dark of my room begging g-d to cure my mental illness overnight anymore. I am not alone and I am not whispering in my bed hoping that g-d hears me. Prayer is me and millions of other jews thanking g-d and asking g-d to hear us, together. We are millions of raindrops turning into a thunderous downpour, praying to g-d and reminding g-d of the covenant and promises that we both made each other. I didn't understand minyans (the jewish requirement of having at least 10 jewish adults to be allowed to say certain prayers) before I converted, but I understand it now. We are louder together and there is so much comfort in knowing that our fellow jews are right there in prayer with us.

The Jewish understanding that g-d is not going to change some things, especially things that are a result of our own actions, that sometimes no amount of prayer or good deeds will change something, makes me feel like I'm not just talking to a g-d who doesn't listen or hear me. If I eat something I'm allergic to, g-d isn't just going to prevent an allergic reaction because I asked nicely. If I let go of the steering wheel of my car on the highway, I'm still going to crash. G-d does not want us to rely solely on prayer, but also on instinct and knowledge that g-d gave us as people. (The defining thing that sets us apart from animals is this knowledge.) Knowing that not everything that happens is "g-ds will" or "g-ds plan" and some things are just the result of human action and inaction makes it feel a lot less one sided. Part of being made in g-ds image and being given domain over the earth is that sometimes we have to figure things out ourselves and use the knowledge we have. I'm not "unfaithful" or "bad" just because g-d expects us to figure some things out ourselves instead of answering every prayer. The jewish belief that we were created as partners to g-d in ruling the earth really feels true. It feels like a partnership of mutual respect and understanding.

2) It can't be fear and control based

The Christian belief is that you worship g-d and follow the bible because if you don't you'll go to hell and suffer for all eternity. That's kinda the whole thing. If you don't believe in and worship g-d correctly, your punishment will be never ending suffering beyond human comprehension, and if you do believe and worship correctly, your reward will be never ending joy beyond human comprehension.

This never sat right with me, even as a kid. How could an all loving g-d punish good people for just doing a few things wrong? How were babies inherently evil and immoral from the second they are born? In church my questions were dismissed, usually as me being unfaithful. My childhood preacher said one time, "g-d only sends people to hell because he loves them and wants whats best for them. He wants everyone to go to heaven." I never asked how eternal suffering would be whats best for us, or why g-d sends people to hell if g-d doesn't want anyone to go to hell, since g-d is all powerful and could just choose not to send anyone to hell.

The jewish belief is different. Most (if not all, though I hate to say all jews about anything since our beliefs vary so much) don't believe in hell, and especially not an eternal-never-ending hell. Jewish conceptions about the afterlife, for those of us who believe in one at all or who have a solid belief about what it would be, are really complicated and vary widely. I'm not even going to try to go in detail about some of the different jewish beliefs about the afterlife, or lack thereof. (Not to mention our different beliefs and interpretations of g-d, or the fact that there are some religiously observant jews who don't believe in g-d at all. These are complicated theological views which I lack the knowledge and understanding of to even think about trying to explain.) I am far from knowledgeable enough about jewish theology to try and educate others about it yet or condense it down enough to fit into a blog post. I'd recommend the books Choosing a Jewish Life and Living a Jewish Life by Anita Diamont, as both books touch on jewish theology in addition to being really good educational resources about judaism and jewish practice in general. (Choosing a Jewish Life is heavily targeted towards people thinking about converting for the sake of marrying a jew though, and I found that pretty off putting personally.)

But one thing that is mostly consistent among jewish belief is that we are not supposed to keep the mitzvot out of a fear of what will happen if we don't, and that thoughts about the afterlife have very little importance to jewish practice and observance. We keep the mitzvot because they make us better people, and they make the world a better world. Many many mitzvot deal with ethics: how we treat other people, how we treat animals, how we treat ourselves, and how we treat the earth.

Voluntary consent is also vital to jewish life and practice, in a way that it never was in christianity. Abraham entered into the covenant voluntarily, and every jew since has as well, both born jews and converts. We don't believe that everyone has to be jewish to be a good person, nor do we even believe that everyone should be jewish. (Many of us, if asked, will even try to deter someone from converting because being jewish is an incredible and demanding commitment that simply does not need to be done in order to be a good person.) Being jewish is a voluntary commitment to keeping the covenant made between g-d and the jews, a commitment to upholding jewish values and ethics even if one is not religiously observant, a commitment to protecting and loving all other jews in the world, even ones that we don't completely agree with or understand. There is no threat or fear of punishment for not being jewish.

I'm sure there will be other things I find are important to the kind of relationship that I want to have with g-d as I learn more and as I've been a jew for longer, but these were the two things that were absolutely essential to me in any kind of relationship with the divine. They were my nonnegotiables so to speak, and being jewish has really cemented the fact that my relationship with g-d should be both reciprocal and not coerced with threats or fear.