Supporting the loved ones of Israelis and Palestinians through this trauma

I don't want to talk about the war on Israel. I don't want to talk about the nuances of zionisim and anti-zionisim, or the way that these words have both become effectively meaningless. I don't want to talk about innocent people being tortured and murdered, both Israeli and Palestinian. I don't want to talk about the horrific human rights violations happening. I don't want to talk about the global rise in antisemitism and anti-jew violence. I don't want to talk about Israel, or Palestine, or the Israel-Palestine conflict, not that it matters anyways right now, because Hamas does not represent the people of Palestine and are a terrorist organization that just want more power and land and people to oppress. The people of Palestine are also fighting against Hamas and losing their lives in this terrorist attack, and my prayers are with them as much as they are with Israel.

As a jew, there is no opinion that I can have about Israel that doesn't lead to antisemitism. If I say that I stand firmly on the side of zionisim, leftists will tell me that I'm rooting for the genocide and oppression of Palestine as if I, an American who's never left the country, am personally responsible of the actions of a foreign government. Of course this is just a thin veil to cloak their antisemitism and hatred of jews in and if it weren't this it would be something else. If I say that I stand firmly on the side of anti-zionisim, other jews will tell me that I stand with our oppressors and support the destruction of Israel. This is just their own fear and our shared history of oppression and trauma. If I say that I believe in a two state solution, freedom for Palestine and sovereignty for Israel, leftists will tell me that Israel is a colonized land that shouldn't exist at all (but conveniently they don't seem to hold the same beliefs for every single other country in North America and Europe, once again proving that if not the Israel-Palestine conflict, they will find some other way to hate jews that they can justify) and other jews will tell me that we have an inherent birth right from g-d to the land and to govern it, that it is ours without question even though it is the ancestral homeland for so many Palestinians. There is no opinion I am allowed to hold about Israel as a jew.

So, I'm not going to talk about it. Instead, I am going tot talk about trauma.

What is trauma? Well trauma isn't really a thing. Of course trauma is a thing, but its not a noun like a lot of people think it is. Trauma isn't the ashy remains of a house fire, the slow decline of a terminally ill family member, or the car on the side of the highway scattered in a million pieces. Trauma is the way these things permanently affect us, the feelings and fear that linger long after it's over.

That's why a lot of first responders develop PTSD or C-PTSD from the job. Aside from the kind of life dramatic life-threatening things you see on tv, (which is much rarer than Grey's Anatomy or 9-1-1 or Criminal Minds would have you believe), most of the time, nothing happened to them. But first responders see horrific things everyday that most people would not be able to comprehend. They hold sobbing parents in their arms, they pick people up off the road knowing that nothing they do is going to make a difference, they lie to people knowing that they won't even make it to the hospital alive just so they don't spend their last moments panicking and afraid, and they hear a lot of people's last words. They put on their best smiles, their best calm voice, and help people through the worst things to ever happen to them in their life, day after day after day. If you know any first responders, you'll know that every single one of them has cases and patients and accidents that just stick with them forever.

People react a lot of different ways to trauma. Some people get angry and lash out at the people that they care about. Some people isolate themselves and try to sleep through it. Some people are in denial that it ever happened, like parents who keep their kids bedrooms untouched for decades after they go missing just in case they ever were to come home. Some people can only get through it with the use of drugs. And there are so many different reactions to trauma because it's like the stages of grief and different types of fear reactions (like fight, flight, freeze, or fawn) are combined together to become something even worse. The only wrong reaction to trauma is using it to justify hurting others.

When someone goes through trauma, they have to grieve the things that they thought they knew and the stability that they thought that they had. Something that used to be a constant in their lives is no more, and that can be really disorienting and confusing. At the same time, they have to deal with the fear of uncertainty and danger that seem ever-present in their lives now. Whether that is the fear of where to go now or what happens next, or whether that is the fear of the same thing or something worse happening again, its scary. People were not made to be in fight or flight mode long term, but trauma forces us into it indefinitely. Your sense of security changes forever, because now that you know what this trauma feels like, you never know if it will happen again and if you will be able to handle it again.

Trauma is so serious that it changes the structure of your brain and can even change your DNA. This was something observed in the descendants of holocaust survivors. Trauma truly lasts forever, and even once we have healed emotionally, our body remembers.

The biggest indicator of how well someone can readjust to their lives after a trauma is how well they're supported afterwards. So, what can you do to best support someone who is going through or has gone through a trauma?

Well firstly, don't ask them what they need. It seems great in theory! How else would we know the best way to help someone without asking what they need or what we can do? But chances are that they don't even know what they need right now or what would help, and even if they do know what they need, they might not be able to tell you. Trauma can really affect how well people can communicate. Decision fatigue (when even simple choices like what to eat or wear become overwhelming and tiring) and trouble with interoception (the body's natural ability to feel internal signals like hunger, thirst, or tiredness) are things that we talk about most often in the context of nuerodivergent or disabled people, but it certainly applies to people going through trauma as well. So asking someone to decide what they need could just cause them even more stress. It's a kind gesture and I'm sure they will appreciate it nonetheless, but that is not the best thing that you could do to help them right now.

The best thing that you could do for your loved ones during times of trauma is to do the practical things that they might be struggling with for them, and to be there for them and with them. Both of these are far more complicated of course, when the person that you care about is far away or still actively going through something traumatic, but I will address that in a little bit.

In jewish culture, when we sit shiva for our family members and friends who have passed away, its expected that our communities will take care of us. We don't cook anything for ourselves because our friends, rabbis, and family members bring us all the food we need during this time. We don't do any household chores either, and our friends and family members come by our house to do them for us, so we can have the time and space to grieve without having to worry about things like dishes or laundry. We keep our doors unlocked so our communities can come in without us having to open the door and greet them. And we all do these things for each other without being asked. Doing these things, and things like this, for your loved ones during times of trauma is a great way to take care of them and let them know that they're supported and loved, regardless of whether or not they're jewish. It's the same concept as people bringing casseroles to someone after a funeral.

Things like making them food, ordering a pizza to their house, offering to pick their kids up from school for the week, doing their dishes, or instacarting groceries to their house so they don't have to go shopping are all really helpful and impactful things you can do. Practical support like this can only go so far in supporting your loved ones going through trauma, though, and they will need other kinds of support as well.

The other kinds of support are going to vary by each individual person and situation, and you're going to have to use what you know about your loved ones to decide on your own what they need and what will help them them the most. If you know that words of affirmation are their love language, call them to tell them that you're thinking about them and there if they need to talk, or shoot them a text about how they're in your thoughts and prayers. If you know that physical touch helps them, offer them a hug. If you know that gifts are their love language, pick up something small that you think will brighten their day a little bit. No matter what you end up doing, make sure to offer them some support, comfort, or distraction.

If you don't live near the person that is going through trauma right now, especially since many of us have people in Israel and Palestine that we are worried about and have no way to be with them in person or give them any practical help, make the effort to call and text them. Let them vent or cry or sit in silence with you over video call, try to answer their texts or calls even if you're busy. Check in on them as often as you can, and more importantly, make sure hat they know you are there and that you care about them. Even if they need to process things alone, make sure that they don't feel alone.

If they are in Palestine and you're worried about having no way to contact them, there are a lot of good charities and programs distributing e-sims to Palestinians right now, and a lot of companies offering discounts and sliding price options. Consider donating to those programs for both your loved one and other Palestinians. If you've already lost contact unfortunately, I don't know any advice to offer you to reestablish it, but if you have contact with them now, you could also consider paying for an e-sim for them indefinitely to make sure that contact isn't cut.

When supporting someone who's traumatized, it's also important to remember to take things at their pace. Some people might be ready to jump right into processing what they've been through, and others might not. You don't want to push too hard. This is especially true for people who are still going through it. Forcing them out of survival mode and into healing mode could be dangerous if they're still in a dangerous situation that they're struggling to survive. Be patient. Healing takes a lifetime.

Jews and Palestinians around the world (as well as our families, friends, and loved ones) are going through really traumatic things right now. Even those of us living in safe areas are going through something really traumatic. Many of us have loved one that have been killed or are MIA, and many of us have lost contact with the people that we love in both Israel and Palestine. We have no way of knowing whether they are okay right now. There are so many funerals in Israel right now that they've had to be limited in time to half an hour for each family. And the truth is that we have no idea when things are going to change, when we'll know more about our missing loved ones, or if we will ever get to see them again. Not to even mention the people who are the ones being killed, bombed, starving, or trying to flee a war zone amongst massive human rights violations.

Regardless of your stance on zionisim, now is not the time for intracommunity fighting amongst the jews, nor is it the time to forget that jewish values put life and an end to human suffering above all else. We must have empathy for everyone who is suffering right now and we have a responsibility to do as much as we can to end that suffering.

Now is the time for prayers for both Israel and Palestine, that all of us be delivered from the hands of oppression, that the death toll of innocent civilians doesn't rise a single person more, and that all who have lost loved ones, or whose loved ones are still missing, find some peace.